HIT AND NOT HIT OF 2K24
I simply could not resist.
December 31st, I was in a terrible rush. It was uncomfortable and something in me was enjoying it. I had been hosting, and would be hosting that night. The urgency of making something lovely. I love the flurry of tasks, doing a million little things for kind of no reason. Or, more accurately I hope, the reason culminates (each little candle on each little table) into something big (an echo of soft light, a memory). I was preparing for the new year, after all.
I kept huffing and sighing without realizing it. A major reason I was harried was because I NEEDED to publish *this* before the clock struck 2025.
Why?? Absolutely zero reason. No one asked me to. Maybe no one would even read it! But something in me felt so profoundly that I would be missing a major moment and that I was being at least a little bit pathetic in not making a (me-imposed) deadline. I had been drafting this piece for about a week and a half, so what was my issue that I couldn’t just finish it? I made no sense.
In despair, feeling like a bugworm (Gianni’s word), I realized that I was being very 2024. What if the piece was just supposed to come out later (now), when I wasn’t running around? What if it felt so brutal to force it now because I … wasn’t supposed to?
It’s felt important to get used to the sigh of an unexpected outcome and a limit to exertion. It also seems that the ask of Bugworm Moments, is to wait a second. 2024 seemed obsessed with this! She served up some profound challenges, asking for more fortitude than I was interested in locating. But mostly, she delivered some generous, distinctive moments of clarity and – in quiet moments -- ascent. I will say that most days I am grateful for it to be now, and then now, and not back then, or then, but now – and now again.
I suppose this year I have permitted myself be more… myself. It seemed there was no choice! Strange work, shifting as always. There was the hosting of Meditation + Meal pop-ups, the curation of wine lists for friends’ events (Palate Cleanse Selects™), and the service and restaurants and feeding of people. And the many little words written. My computer: a little furnace, getting too hot for its panting fan. Sitting at my desk and then getting up and then sitting again. Work in The Paris Review, some solid readings, and more pubs forthcoming (I love saying ‘forthcoming’). This year has gifted more, and differently, than I could have anticipated!! I have given up on specific expectations, but I have high hopes.
Every year, I have done a HIT AND NOT HIT. Here we are again :) And now, on a day that I thought would feel disappointing but actually feels totally fine and good and better, I give you…
HIT AND NOT HIT OF 2024
(HIT – it worked. It tastes good. It feels good. I like it.
NOT HIT – this did not work for me. Not everything does!)
HIT
-Beef tallow – it feels good on the face, it works, and it feels very… food chain-y?
-This is a follow-up on last year, but still true. TikTok Spiritual Guides. I love them! Rachel Mcnassor (she used to call herself Rachel Rumi), this year, has been my favorite. She wears sunglasses! Inside! To protect her energy! It’s wild stuff, but at the very least, this person is terribly wise.
-Transcending meme fear. This is due to the panopticon in which we live, but it feels like a reasonable concern. I was thinking this the other day, and then Honey Pluton articulated it on one of their podcasts. This is the great fear that I will be reading an embarrassing book on the subway and someone will take a photograph and I will become a meme. Some example books (that I honestly greatly recommend?): When The Body Says No by Gabor Maté, Money, A Love Story by Kate Northrup, ADHD 2.0 by Edward M. Hallowell MD and John J. Ratey MD. I don’t want to think too much about what has compelled me to read so many books of this nature, but I do believe they must be read. I am realizing this is why people listen to audiobooks. I, however, fold the cover over aggressively.
-Going to movies alone, for the purpose of crying. Sorry that this is dark, but it’s true. If you have a stretch of time and you KNOW you’re about to burst, check into the ol’ dark room and let it rock. I heaved my way through Janet Planet and, quite recently, Anora. Weeping silently with characters. Very productive.
-I still believe that (not totally evil and exploitative) reality television is the Thinking Person’s Balm. On this Hill ‘Til I Die. My favorites of 2024 were Traitors (campy, witty, fantastical), Southern Charm (this show has changed my life and I think deserves a canon of American Studies essays on its geopolitical and psycho-social representations of the modern American South), and Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (one of God’s greatest gifts. Consistently proves that truth is stranger than fiction.)
-These Uggs. Waterproof! Make me feel like a rugged shepherdess.
-Fixed Materials. Pragmatic rituals that rely on some set structure. Not punitive or aspirational, but finding a coziness in some limitation. A couple of these are more money-oriented than I planned, but who says we can’t combine business and pleasure! Some examples:
Keeping a list of things you want, but not buying them. This can be specific things you realize you want to own, or more abstract desires like a dog or a potential skincare thing that helps me not look so tired. It’s nice to have a list because 1. It delays gratification 2. It shows how desires change and actually reflect/refract where life finds us. 3. Sometimes writing down your desires can be more satisfying than actually having them. Reminds you they’re there.
Doing one virtuous activity every day. It doesn’t really matter what it is -- the satisfaction is in the consistency. For me, it helps when the activity doesn’t require too much exertion (meditation, breathwork, writing stuff I won’t share, making a phone call, going to bed early).
Honestly? Utilizing cash! Lol. I have become a big fan of taking out a fixed amount of cash and using it exclusively. This tunes you into what you’re spending money on, gives you satisfaction in staying under budget, and there’s something inherently valuable in the tangible exchange.
-Cookies. I used to have a sweet tooth of all sorts, but have realized that this year I have gravitated towards cookies. I have been loving freezing a bunch of dough and then cooking off 2-4 at a time *as needed*. What I am saying here is not profound tbh, but it is my truth. Makes the house smell heavenly, and then you don’t have stale cookies.
-This song. Strutting, walking, kissing, crying, dancing – hits every time.
NOT HIT
-Beef tallow. You read that right! Duality! The smell haunts me and it makes me feel strange. Food chain-y.
-Not understanding what people do for work. I feel like this is a bit of a trope, to be close with someone but not know or ask what they do. This taboo is, to me, passé. I love asking someone ‘what’s the day-to-day’ of what they do because guess what?? They spend a lot of time doing it. And I don’t think it’s impolite to ask what someone does, either, because guess what else? We live under capitalism and it seems clear we have to work to make money to live. What someone does is definitely not who they are, but we can for sure say it’s a big part of their day.
-Saying Sweet Treat. Ugh I don’t know it just makes me feel weird.
-Sitting idly by. Watching a parent carry their child in the stroller up and down subway stairs alone. In this crazy city, little moments of care are all we got! I think it’s very classy to help, especially underground because down there we’re all just that much closer to hell. Lol.
-Sandwiches that are too tall. I love a thick sandwich that is dense with ingredients, but when you truly cannot fit it in your mouth, we are all rendered clumsy and foolish.
-System overrides. I haven’t seen The Substance yet (I need to. I am scared of being scared) but I came upon an interview with Demi Moore where she says that the minute she stopped pushing her body (biking 30 miles each to set, etc), was the moment that it actually did and felt the way that she had always hoped. We can call this borrowed energy, no free lunch, gravity, whatever – I like thinking of this instinct as a ‘system override’ because it helps me pay attention to glitches. Which, too, are temporary.
-Flowers and plants are $$$$$. This is not to say their beauty is not valuable and worthy, nor that plant-workers should not be well-compensated. It’s just that… these things come from the earth, and the romantic in me thinks they should be able to be everywhere, always.
-Using service industry workers, (albeit unconsciously), as emotional outlets. This year, I was a server for the first time. Before this, I had always been energetically protected by the bubble of BOH. This wasn’t a long stint, but I will say I was amazed at how much weird energy people direct towards you when you bring them food and drinks. Any latent emotion they are working through at dinner gets directed your way. And many people don’t say thank you! Blew my mind. Experiencing this was the only way I really understood.
The same applies, actually, for when I filled in at a wine shop. The amount of people that say “I never really drink” or “I don’t usually get this tipsy” is amazing, disarming, befuddling. You don’t owe me this! While I am always down for an emotionally revealing conversation, these moments are confusing because I am working and you are not. You are, in fact, in conversation with yourself.
-External solutions. There was a time this year when I was pretty sick (I’m better now!!) and would take my prescribed supplements but then would (sorry) throw them back up. I didn’t understand – weren’t these supposed to fix the problem?
When I asked my acupuncturist (one of my wisest and most treasured mentors) about this, he said that if the internal system’s not working on a basic level, the external won’t be the solution. The basics actually do the most. Once I stabilized my own system (going baby-mode: slowing down, sleeping, eating simply), then the supplements could do their work.
The Wellness industry / contemporary culture encourage a lot of external fix, but this can be extractive. It’s terribly compelling, but has that tragic quality of propelling one to work so hard to feel better that one feels worse. I like the idea of preserving what is already there. Easy to forget, easy to remember.
Anyway, back to you!! Would love to know some of your HITs and also your NOT-HITS. Also : I am doing Dry January, so if you have any fun recs for this lifestyle, I would love to hear <3
Thank you, as ever, for reading. Each year, I am grateful. The gratitude, like soft light, compounds.
More soon, take care, xoxoxo