THE NEED TO WANT

short one. desire as annoyingly inevitable but also... resistance?

This morning, after recording three dreams from last night, each in which I made very specific and irrevocable mistakes, I felt relieved. Those dreams were not my life.

Then I remembered, not to be dramatic, but frankly: the state of the world. Visions in my head of things I have not seen but can imagine clearly, cinematic in their darkness. Last night, ICE was on the Lower East Side, zero-ing in on restaurants and bars. I imagined them peering into windows and haunting corners, treading heavily. If you are taking the day for the strike, I hope you get good rest. Maybe even do Winter Burrow-ing.

Either way, other than supporting as best we can, no one is asking for exclusively more heaviness. After meditating this morning, I began to think about what I wanted — big things, and also small ones, for others, this world, and tbh? Myself.

Below is a version of a piece I read at a reading last month (Wine and Pine, hosted by Rachel A.G. Gilman). Mostly, it is about what I want (how the ego persists! Lol) but about, too, the blessing that it is to desire anything, at all. The pleasure of want is an excuse for forward motion — sometimes the only one we have.

Piece below.

Considering desire. What do I want?????

I want cash on hand. I want everyone to be attracted to me except for those who gross me out. I want the feeling of it all to be one thought – no seconds. I want everyone having a hard time right now to look back and think ‘that was the worst it got.’ I want everyone to respect me unquestioningly. I want for people who misunderstand me to know they are actually misunderstanding themselves – though I would prefer for no one to misunderstand me at all. I want to have had – as a teenager -- the gumption to steal from Urban Outfitters. I want my humidifier to exhale roaring, full steam. I want a really big comfortable velvet couch. I want there to be a generous government stipend given to nice girls, and I receive it – with backpay. I want no more TikToks of people who got non-surgical nose jobs and I want to not be so aware that this want is actually up to me. I want a taste of everyone’s vape without asking, or consequence. I want to never feel dead-eyed or distended. I want fresh sheets every night, crisp and already warm. I want every restaurant I have ever loved, that has closed, to open again for one night each so that I can experience gratitude in real time. I want, when my grandmother visits me in dreams, to be able to speak with her –instead, we can only embrace – this is good, too. I want my giant coat never to touch the ground. I want to live both lives from the movie The Holiday. I want no consequences for myself and tremendous checks and balances for those who do bad things. I want raw dough to be edible – I don’t know why. I want to be an actor, a singer, and a dancer. I want to be a lauded psychoanalyst, I want to be a teacher. I want to be a marketing girlie and I want to get drinks with the girls on Friday and go to pilates and work for the weekends and for that to make me happy. I want to never again get blood drawn. I want everyone who has blessed me by telling me their secrets to know that I have kept them. I want everyone to think my specific sexuality is very cool. I want to burn candles all the time and never be afraid of fire. I want the pendulum to always answer correctly. I want to pray every day. I want to clear my head. I want to drive a quiet road alone in the dark and stay in a house alone at night and have not a lick of fear. I want to make friends with a whale, otter, or capybara. I want to radiate light, but for everyone to understand I my particular and mysterious darkness. I want my wanting to ache, to amuse, to hold, to burn, to activate my life like something that grows full, to heavy with sweetness, to explode in the air on the way down -- well-spent.