Hi!! <3
Between now and the last post, I was in London! What fun. The best meals were at Roti King and St. John. It was a treat to take a break from cooking for a week and simply eat eat eat.
I had a joyful time but – as all joyful things must be – it was a little complicated. The last few months, I hadn’t been feeling that well :/ While in London, I got back a blood and breath test that I had done and it turned out I have something called SIBO.
SIBO (seeboh!) is the cutest word for simply the most annoying feeling! Basically, it’s when the small intestine gets overpopulated by bacteria. It makes you very bloated lol but also affects mood/brain fog – which, I gotta tell ya!, checks out. At best, I’ve just ignored my symptoms and at worst, I’ve felt like an inflated little balloon, leftover after a party, with a funny taste in my mouth.
SIBO is a very normal thing to have (especially if you’ve gotten food poisoning in the past) and is totally treatable. So I am SO grateful and lucky to get treatment and care! I had been feeling like something was off for a while and, though no diagnoses ever really offer unequivocal resolve, it felt good to know that something had indeed been happening.
I began antibiotics a few days ago, which should leave me tip top in 2 weeks. I keep imagining the bacteria eaten up, like the caterpillar doing his work in the Eric Carle book. Remember that?
^he’s actually so cute!
Every physical sensation carries history with it, and this preoccupation with belly problems reminded me of some questions that pop up each time my stomach is being bad. Wouldn’t it be fun if Clarity never needed Discomfort to ride along with it in this journey we call Life ??
Closies know
That my first year of college, my stomach stopped working. This meant I learned about a frustrating harmony of opposites. My body would reject food but stay bloated. I would drink cold water and feel a burning in my chest. I felt so hungry and so full at the same time, clammy with cold hands and feet.
I had the very common experience of going doctors who told me there was nothing wrong with me, that maybe I was stressed. I was definitely stressed because it’s umm a little stressful to feel bad and told it is probably not real! Eventually, through lots of time and work, I healed. I still don’t quite have words for what it was, or what went wrong, but I did come away from it with a sense of responsibility: listening TF up. However inconvenient, I learned the power of a body to express itself. And she does not shut up lol! But love her.
One of the greatest paradoxes
Of feeling not great (which, not to get too *dramatic*, is an inherent reminder of one’s own intrinsic solitude) is the potential the phenomenon it has to unite. First of all, my friends and family were and are angels with this, and I am amazed at their capacity for care. They have heard me talk about my stomach more than anyone should have to! Additionally, my college was tiny and I am not terribly private, so it wasn’t long before everyone knew I was having a Weird Sad Stomach Problem. A funny thing happened: I soon had other people coming up to me in the dining hall telling me about their stomach issues! So many people had them, each so specific and confusing, each holding weight. By the time I was a senior, I imagined starting a club!
Robert Hass wrote that a word was an elegy to what it signified. I would agree that this is true. He wrote this, in particular, about the word ‘blackberry’. The nice thing about that is: we all know what a blackberry is, in one way or another.
After I got better, I found a great philosophy
On how to interact with food. It was along the lines of CELEBRATION LITERALLY YAY! How fun, after being in discomfort with something, to find so much pleasure in it! When I was 21, I had mostly healed and I went to go study in France where I was taught to eat everything, and how. Wine paired with food, there was a different cake for every holiday, and we would have our goûter, our little snacktime, every day at 4:30 pm. Treats all day long! I was in awe. The moodboard for my relationship to food was somewhere between Eat Pray Love and Ratatouille.
That’s been the vibe ever since, and I’ve grown staunchly attached to it. So attached that it’s been the momentum that’s pulled me along through work, guiding me with vigor. Eat everything, drink everything, cook everything, learn everything, try everything yum yum yum! One finds great affection for the beauty of hunger, how it returns no matter what. As Jung wrote, “Libido is appetite in its natural state.” The consistency of desire for the next meal… what an affirmation of vitality!
To use Caterpillar as guide: eventually you get full and must cocoon.
When the gut needs a minute to heal itself, there’s an opportunity for some quiet digestion. More nights in, letting the antibiotics steer the direction of the body. No great feasts, but a pleasant and diligent sampling every food group so that the bacteria can respond to each chemical while the medicine does its thing.
And in the midst of recalibration, of course, my mind flits from one bit of Stomach Ephemera to another. From Hot Girls Have IBS (I have thoughts on this! But too much brain fog for today lol) to all the supplements I get advertised, pills attached to millennial pink hoodies emblazoned with gastroenterological logos. Absurd. I think about the connections researchers have found between eating disorders and IBS. I think about Munchausen syndrome, also called Fictitious Illness. Flitting across my brain, that’s one thought that catches— the trouble of the spaces for sickness where we locate the least compassion. All of these hints at the human condition, little clues, distracting and inscrutable.
A gut feeling
is something that, when you have belly issues, you spend some time thinking about. I obviously get too esoteric about it, but that’s probably a coping mechanism, and it certainly helps pass the time! If the body is something of a poem, what is the symbology of the belly?
We could definitely say something like instinct, selfhood, trust. The solar plexus chakra (the third of the seven) is called Manipura. This means ‘lustrous gem’. It’s also called Muladhara, which means ‘root or foundation’.
I like thinking about it in the sense of: what lies just below the heart?
HERE 2 HELP
So shoutout to all the stomach people! Aren’t we all a little caterpillar working our way through the delicious world of giant colorful fruit? Everyone’s experience is unique (and I am so lucky and grateful mine is treatable and simply provides me philosophical fodder) but there *are* some tips and tricks that I have collected along the way:
-Sit cross legged on the floor and just circle around your hips for awhile, like you’re stirring honey in a cup of tea. Go one way and then the other.
-If you’re exhausted and your stomach hurts/your stomach hurts and you’re exhausted, let yourself rest and wind down your brain. You’ll be like ‘ahh I have so much to do!’ But there are few better feelings than resting until you’re done, and then getting back up again.
-Move a little before eating breakfast. Even a tiny stretch or a walk to go get coffee. This gets the blood flowing!
-Read The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison. Game changer.
-Don’t eat cold and sweet stuff if your stomach already hurts. This is something that probably gets me the most roasted! My staunch refusal of ice lol. But when you think about the physics of it, it makes sense. It takes energy for your body to warm up food and drink – energy it may not have when you’re already feeling depleted.
-Watch this Tiktok it is just amazing and maybe the definition of my sense of humor… sigh!
-Chew slowly! Chewing a lot stimulates digestion, sending a signal to our bodies that we’re getting ready to eat. This actually gives your stomach muscles even more of a break than drinking smoothies does.
-Watch Couples Therapy. Okay actually I have just been watching Couples Therapy and omg it is so good. It’s definitely not for everyone, and I do weep a little when I watch it. But Orna, the therapist, is terribly chic and I do think there’s something about watching other people heal that inspires the body, holistically, to join in on the fun.
-Building off of that: there is no right level or corner of media to consume, especially when you don’t feel well!!!
-Ginger to warm up, mint to cool. Don’t chug water.
-Above all, remember: The Very Hungry Caterpillar emerges ABSOLUTELY gorgeous.